Ok, so the title is a bit of a teaser. But this came across my screen recently as an anonymous post, and I thought it might lighten the load a bit for you today. Please don’t take it too seriously….

I have no idea who wrote it or who deserves the credit/blame. It just seemed like good Monday humor.

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed accord­ing to
your salary.

2) If we see you wear­ing Prada shoes and car­ry­ing a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well finan­cially
and there­fore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to man­age your
money bet­ter, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
there­fore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and there­fore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s state­ment as proof
of sick­ness. If you are able to go to the doc­tor, you are able to come to work.

Per­sonal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 per­sonal days a year.
They are called Sat­ur­days & Sundays.

Bereave­ment Leave:
This is no excuse for miss­ing work. There is noth­ing you can do for dead friends,
rel­a­tives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
the funeral arrange­ments in your place. In rare cases where employee involve­ment is
nec­es­sary, the funeral should be sched­uled in the late after­noon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and sub­se­quently leave one hour early.

Bath­room Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toi­let.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three min­utes, an alarm will
sound, the toi­let paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a pic­ture will be taken. After your
sec­ond offense, your pic­ture will be posted on the
com­pany bul­letin board under the ‘Chronic Offend­ers’
cat­e­gory. Any­one caught smil­ing in the pic­ture will be
sec­tioned under the company’s men­tal health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny peo­ple get 30 min­utes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Nor­mal size peo­ple get 15 min­utes for lunch to get a
bal­anced meal to main­tain their aver­age figure.

* Chubby peo­ple get 5 min­utes for lunch, because that’s
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loy­alty to our com­pany. We are here
to pro­vide a pos­i­tive employ­ment expe­ri­ence. There­fore,
all ques­tions, com­ments, con­cerns, com­plaints,
frus­tra­tions, irri­ta­tions, aggra­va­tions, insin­u­a­tions,
alle­ga­tions, accu­sa­tions, con­tem­pla­tions, con­ster­na­tion
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Man­age­ment
Pass this on to all who are employed!